[Trisha vocalizing]
[Sharon] Okay. So, what did you have for breakfast?
Uh, that would be French toast,
vegan French toast.
[Sharon] Nice.
-Testing, testing. -[Sharon] And some coffee?
-Coffee. 16 ounces. -Always.
[soft music playing]
[Trisha] Born in Denver, Colorado, and...
[Sharon] You say, "I was born."
Yes, I was.
[Sharon] So you have to say, "I was born..."
So you say a complete sentence, okay?
[both laughing]
[Trisha] I grew up there at a time when the air was clear,
tumbleweeds, rattlesnakes,
horny toads squirt blood from their eyes.
-[Sharon] Really? -[Trisha] Really.
[Trisha] That's the absolute truth.
Check it out.
[Sharon] Is it the Dad truth or the absolute truth?
No, Google it.
[Sharon] Can I just get some footage of you
driving for a sec?
Sure.
Won't that be exciting?
[laughing]
Got my 4-wheel drive, Dodge Stratus...
[Trisha] Oh, shit, I'm in the wrong lane.
You know what, maybe this isn't working.
[Sharon] What would you do
if you wanted to teach me a move
so that I wouldn't get attacked?
Just lead with this knuckle.
Okay.
If one hand goes out,
the other hand goes back.
[Sharon] When I was 13,
my dad was driving me to school, and told me,
"Sharon, whenever you get married,
"I hope that you'll let me wear a dress,
when I walk you down the aisle."
I remember just feeling
this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach,
because...
I didn't ever want that day to come.
[soft music playing]
[Sharon] So, where were we, I mean, just...
Okay, so you were saying,
-Choosing a name. -[Sharon] Choosing a name.
[Trisha] Years ago, as a little child,
uh, when I was introduced
to the first baby I had ever seen,
a new born baby, I was pretty young.
I'm gonna say I was four.
I was told that the baby's name was Trisha.
And, um...
I don't know why.
But I really wished that my name had been Trisha.
[soft music playing]
[Trisha] I'm sure that this is probably typical
of anybody who is gay, lesbian, bi-sexual transgender.
You sense, you have a definite sense
that something's not quite right.
How come I wasn't born a girl?
[Sharon] When I was younger, I pretty much rejected my dad.
I just didn't want to deal with the fact
that I had a transgender parent.
[woman] Hi there, pretty girl!
[man] Okay...
[Sharon] For me, I think that
a lot of the past is kind of unresolved.
As hard as it might be for my family,
I want to ask the questions that I couldn't ask back then.
-[Trisha] Hi! -Hi!
[Trisha] There's my family.
Gee, am I still filming?
I like a skirt that has some pleats.
Kinda help gives me some hips that I don't have.
I've had people tell me, they say,
"Good God, are you tall!"
[Sharon laughing]
I say, "Can't that be elegant?"
-[Trisha] Doesn't that look nice? -[Sharon] Mm-hmm.
-Shall we? -[Sharon] Sure, let's do it.
[Sharon] When I was young, we lived in Chicago.
My mom was a young doctor,
so she was working all the time.
Mom was the primary breadwinner
and Dad was the primary caretaker.
And at first, it was a pretty average childhood.
Uh, enjoying the evening.
We come over to read new magazines,
catch up on casual reading.
She's stretching.
[Trisha] I've always wanted to have children.
And I had a chance to put you on my hip,
then carry my diaper bag around,
and hang out with other mothers
and so vicariously as close as I could come.
-[Sharon] To what? -[Trisha] To being a mother.
You know, to being your mom.
[Sharon] Did you feel alone in that situation?
Oh, yeah. I felt very, very alone.
Trying to keep the cross-dressing hidden
from neighbors and relatives,
and going out at night to events or whatever
and looking both ways,
and changing clothes in the back of your vehicle,
and large parking lots with nobody around...
You know, after a while, that gets old.
[Sharon] It was a Christmas morning,
and I was really young.
I might have been in third grade,
and so my sister was like, first grade.
I remember my sister was snooping in my dad's office,
and found some photos that had been glued together,
and she peeled them apart,
and saw dad dressed as a woman.
And so she brought them to my mom,
and was like, "Why is dad dressed like grandma?"
My parents felt that it was time to tell us
and so, my dad left the room,
and then came back dressed in women's clothing.
As children, we didn't really understand what that meant.
[children laughing]
[woman] Good, Sharon! That's nice!
But eventually, one day,
my parents sat us down
in the living room of our house,
and announced that they were going to get a divorce.
They seemed so heartbroken.
And I don't know what happened between them after that,
but they ended up not going through with it.
So we never talked about divorce again.
It just kind of, went away.
[Sharon] What's the game?
[dog panting]
[Trisha] It's where I stand up here,
and I pretend to be chasing her...
[dog growling]
And we go around... Oh, okay, all right.
-[Sharon] Hi, Mom. -Hi!
[Sharon] I looked through it, I should put on my boots.
-Mom, are you excited? -I'm very excited.
How many times have you gone out mushrooming this year?
None. This is the first time.
[Trisha] Watch out for the dove when you come out.
So, I'm getting excited. Oh, here, this is yours.
Yeah, I'll carry this out.
So...
You can follow us out, okay?
But just keep your head down, 'cause there's this dove
right here nesting right by the side of the...
[laughing]
-[Trisha] Okay, ready, Marcia? -[Marcia] Yep.
-Do you see it? -[Sharon whispering] I see it.
If we go west, we may find that dirt road over there,
and eventually find that two track...
Mushroom number one.
[Sharon laughing]
[Marcia] Here we go.
[Trisha] Here, mushroom.
Here, mushroom, mushroom.
Does my hair look okay, honey?
It does.
Check my make up.
-Beautiful. -I don't have any on.
Thirty-five years ago, and you want us to remember
-what we said back then? -[laughing]
[Marcia] You were out sunning.
I was just like a turtle on a log,
trying to soak up heat on my back,
wearing my tightest little, little blue cotton shorts...
Yeah.
-And, and... -That was very interesting.
And Marcia walked over to me,
and she saw me,
and walked over.
And I was interested, so...
[Marcia] I was moving shortly after that,
and you decided that you wanted to help me.
You told me later that the the reason,
one of the reasons you did it
was because you wanted to find out what
my new address was gonna be.
[laughing]
I was so sly.
I'm not a real swift person when it comes to relationships.
So, it was a lot of sitting around in a candle-lit room,
listening to old rock 'n' roll LPs,
and old blues,
that largely went nowhere.
All right, see you tomorrow, okay, good night.
So, then, there was a guy at work that I was...
I remember that guy.
Starting to date.
[Trisha] Well, I called up, I said, "What's going on?
What's happening?" And you go, "Well,
not tonight, I have a friend over."
I go, "A friend?"
And then Marcia says, "Yes, he's sitting here now
with me in the apartment."
And I'm going, "What?"
-[laughing] -And I hopped in my Delta 88,
my old Delta 88, and rumbled on over there,
and knocked on the door.
[imitating knocking]
Marcia opens the door a crack...
[laughing]
I look in there, and there's this groovy dude
sitting there, he's got his acoustic guitar,
and he's sitting there playing some quiet music,
and I thought...
[laughing]
And Marcia said, "Well, I don't know,
I hadn't heard anything from you...
I just figured maybe you weren't interested."
And I decided right then and there, I said,
"I'm going to exhibit greater interest."
[laughing]
And I proposed.
But I didn't have a ring...
'Cause it's just like me,
to have not anticipated to the point of...
I don't think I had the money.
I didn't go to my dad, and say,
"Dad, I need money for a ring."
When we went for rings,
we chose these little slender bands,
partly because that's all we could afford,
but also because we didn't really want
something real ostentatious.
And I wanted my band slim to match Marcia's.
[Sharon] There's a fly on the lens.
[laughing]
And the black flies are out now.
[Sharon] Could you guys just blow on that?
Oh, wait, it went off. No, no, now it's back.
[blowing air]
Hi.
My daughter has asked me
to film some more.
It's not a real high-priced camera,
so I can't zoom
or do other fun stuff...
Got my jam box,
some of my abused brushes,
my cactus, that I bent over and put my head into,
the other day, picking up lids that fell down.
Power tools.
There is my Stelling Banjo.
My cat.
Psycho.
[soft music playing]
I derive a lot of spiritual satisfaction
from being in front of my canvasses
and working in that moment.
Making the marks,
and pushing the paint, and doing the work.
The imagery within the painting
is highly personal to me.
These are my diary.
These are the events of my life.
[birds chirping]
I painted Where the Marsh Meets the Lake
around the time when I first met Marcia.
The marsh represents Marcia
and the lake represents me.
And it's really a biologically rich place
with a lot of life,
and very Asian.
I could sense that we were working together as a couple.
-[Trisha] '81. -[Sharon] 81 what?
Was the year that we married,
made a commitment...
What?
[Sharon] What do you mean by that?
You decided to be attracted to women,
or you just were, and that's just...
No, I mean, I've always been attracted to women,
and there've been plenty of opportunities
for me to be attracted or to follow through with
uh, attraction to men...
A lot of people just assume that
if you're transgender, and if you dress as a woman,
that you want to be with a man,
and that's not always the case.
I will go back, and mention that
on our first or second date,
I told Marcia that there was an aspect of me
that she should know about early on.
And it is nothing that I wanted to hide from her,
she was the absolute first person
that I ever came out to.
I went over to my closet
and I dressed up as my femme self
and then I asked her to come out,
and then I tried to explain to her
why I was behaving the way I did,
and you just try to allay any fears...
Initially, I think
she probably thought it was kinky,
and as long as it stayed in the privacy of the bedroom,
that would be fine.
Then ultimately,
it was something that
I couldn't just keep in the bedroom.
[Sharon] How did you envision your marriage
when you were younger,
like before you met Trish?
Oh, probably I would say,
like a lot of little kids like me,
born in the '50s.
We grew up with Walt Disney, right?
And there was like, the princess,
and your hero, you know...
And then you would look at your parents,
and their marriage, and it's very traditional.
So, the assumption is
that's the way it'll be, you know?
But I knew I wanted to go to college,
and be able to make my own way in the world.
I never thought that I'd be a mom.
I was never the kind of girl
like, that loved to babysit and things like that.
[Sharon] That's... I can't imagine you not being a mom.
It was kind of an unexpected thing.
[both laughing]
I'm sorry, I was a surprise!
You were a little bit of a surprise.
[Marcia] Not an entire surprise, but...
[nursery rhyme playing]
[child giggling]
[Sharon] How did you react when Trish first told you
about being transgender?
Do you remember that scene?
[Marcia] I do remember that scene,
because we were
starting to get serious about one another.
And then one day
Trish said, "I'm gonna step out, and I'll come back."
And Trish came back dressed as a woman.
And I can say that I was...
I can tell you that I had a very sheltered life.
I had no idea
that men wore women's clothing,
or there was this whole thing...
I was totally naive.
[Marcia] It was definitely very stressful sometimes and...
I mean, honestly, it was too different.
And maybe from your perspective, you girls,
I think you were really angry
and felt like I was not thinking of you
and not caring about you enough.
But that's where it's really hard,
it's like choosing between your children
and your spouse, you know, and that's really tough.
[Laura laughing]
No, actually growing up,
you were the one who had like, the plastic horses,
and I wasn't ever really interested in them.
Growing up, I never had the dream of like,
riding horses or owning horses.
[Sharon] Do you remember that Christmas?
[Laura] Yeah, I was just...
It was a huge shock and...
I feel like, as a family,
we didn't really know how to deal with it.
I hear dad say that, you know,
he wanted to be a mom, when we were growing up.
Well, I feel a little conflicted about that,
because I have a mom.
It's just hard as a kid.
I do still think at times,
that he definitely thought more about his satisfaction,
what he wanted,
instead of like, the larger picture
of how it could affect his family.
Like, especially growing up, I had a really difficult time,
um, you know, for quite a few years.
I was really, you know, gunning for a divorce.
And you were, too, um...
It just... At the time,
I thought it would have been so much easier to,
like, grow up and do what I needed to do
without having, you know,
this other person in my life
who I was really struggling with.
[Sharon] We didn't want to
have to explain to all of our friends
what was going on with our dad.
We just wanted to blend in with everybody else.
But that became increasingly difficult.
[Trisha] I started having electrolysis done
as one of the first things.
Zapping every single hair follicle.
Then the rhinoplasty, creating more of a feminine nose.
Tracheal shave, to help take down
the protrusion of my "Adam's apple".
And then after a while,
I started taking hormones.
I mean, can you see that?
Can you see that?
Yeah, sucker.
They wanted this administered
deep on the outside of my hips.
I don't feel depressed,
I feel, you know, normal.
It's interesting. I feel normal,
when I'm on the hormones.
When I bring up this estrogen,
I feel so much better.
My concentration, my being,
my body.
There is an easiness, where I feel calm.
And it's like, "Oh, yes, I'm back now.
This is where I want to be."
[Sharon] That was '93.
[Marcia] Oh, wow.
-Thinking, newborns? -Yeah.
Here's Howard, his grandpa and grandma.
-[Marcia] Hmm. -[Sharon] Aww...
[Sharon] This is probably in East Lansing.
[Marcia] Long haired hippie-type.
[Sharon] Yeah, long haired hippie-type.
I like this one.
[Marcia] And here is Trish, in the blonde years.
[Sharon] Mm-hmm.
[Sharon] When you're in middle school, or high school,
even if you don't have a transgender parent,
you don't really want
anything to do with your parents.
Dad was really hands-on.
Every time we had a field trip,
or a school dance,
dad would be there chaperoning.
And it was mortifying.
The kind of thing where you just wanna crawl into a hole,
or disappear.
It was really unfortunate timing
that you have two young children who are like,
just growing up,
and trying to find out who they are,
and their place in the world, and then, you yourself decide,
"Okay, this is my time to figure out who I am, too."
[Sharon] I dealt with the situation at home
by becoming independent as quickly as I could.
And just really tried to separate myself
from needing any help.
But Laura was younger,
so she couldn't really make that choice.
[Trisha] Laura was in elementary school,
and what a nightmare that is for her.
Because she has to go through elementary and junior high
at a crucial stage where you don't want to stand out,
you don't want to be different,
and what hell I put her through.
And I did it blithely and I regret that.
[Sharon] You went full time
at a time when Laura and I were so young,
and I just feel like... I want to know why.
What was the impetus?
[Trisha] I suppose, I was trying to just, you know,
force myself through to a situation
where I had a consistent gender identity.
By that time, I felt like I couldn't go back.
I was like the genie that got let out of the bottle.
When you carry around this feeling
that you're not normal,
and that something's not right,
in your head,
it's incredibly depressing
and it's a heavy weight upon your shoulders.
You have thoughts that filter to your head
where you feel like, you know,
"This is just never going to end."
[Trisha] You can move around a bit, Sharon, it's okay.
You know, it even tapes your voice, too,
if you want to say something.
I love you, Daddy.
Oh, I love you, too.
You're a gem.
[Trisha] And I had these two beautiful daughters,
you know, that I'm sitting here raising,
and I should be the happiest person in the world.
But I just wanted to die.
And I get so depressed that I called a suicide line,
'cause I don't know what else to do.
[Sharon] So, it was literally life or death, for you?
[Trisha] It was.
[Sharon] There's a painting that my dad did in the '80s.
It shows a clown
staring at the viewer with these very masculine features.
And I didn't realize until very recently that
that's a self portrait of my dad as a man.
This person, you know, dressed as a man,
feels like they're living a lie.
I didn't really understand
what it felt like to be in the closet
until I saw the expression on that clown's face.
I was in fourth grade
and dad was in the middle of transitioning
when we decided to move to Michigan.
And that was fraught with stress for all of us.
Our neighbors just didn't know what to make of us.
It was very interesting,
because your dad went through a slow transformation.
I'm gonna tell you my first memory.
I walked by, it was a new house,
and I was a pretty nosy person.
He started to frequently wear overalls.
And then, we started noticing things like jewelry,
and his hair, wearing his hair differently.
He would sometimes walk dressed in his dress,
and people would yap-yap-yap about that.
[man] Back then,
if there was somebody new or unfamiliar in town,
they stood out in every way.
This woman walked in that I had never seen before,
she hung around, and had a bowl of soup.
I remember talking to her,
she seemed like a really interesting person, you know?
Every Sunday, you guys would come in with your mom.
And then, one day,
your dad came in with you all.
And I'm like,
"Wait a minute." You know?
This... I knew it was that...
I mean, I could tell
it was familiar enough, and it was like,
"Whoa!" but, but... And then,
it gradually occurred to me that
this person, who at sometimes,
was going around as a woman,
was coming around with you guys as your dad.
And I could ask my friends, or whatever, "You know this?"
And they'd say, "Oh, yeah, that's Michael Shattuck."
[neighbor] Everybody knows everybody.
And I'm sure everybody in town knows your dad.
Oy, oy, there she goes!
[neighbor] What's amazed me, too,
and I'm going to be very blunt with you there, too,
I'm amazed that your parents
have maintained such a loving close relationship
from an outsider's viewpoint.
I mean, that's amazing to me.
And I also have a hard time with
which gender to use.
I still want to call Trish "Mike",
and my husband, Dave, still calls him Mike.
He says, "That's his name
that's what it's gonna always be."
[Trisha] Ultimately, I changed my name
legally.
I was formerly Michael Shattuck.
I painted a painting, and I painted the date,
of my name change onto the painting,
so, that's what helps me
keep that date in mind.
[Sharon] Which painting is it?
That is, um...
Into the Stubble, Before the Storm.
[thunder rumbling]
The gathering storm
and the turbulent clouds behind it,
I probably knew that there would be problems.
[Sharon] We knew that my dad was going to change names.
But, legally, the name change
had to be announced in the newspaper.
There's only one newspaper,
everyone in town is going to see it.
And I think, in our minds,
the headline was going to be
plastered across the front page of the newspaper.
[Laura] I didn't know until that morning
that it was going to be in the newspaper.
To me, that seemed really official,
and like, I spent the day in the office.
Oh, I'm like, in the sick room,
'cause I was so convinced that
when the newspaper would come out,
I just thought, all this bad stuff was going to happen.
[Sharon] My sister came home from school
crying one day and she said that
her math teacher had pulled her aside after class,
and said, "I know what your dad is doing,
and I don't approve."
I think some people were just disgusted.
I mean, they just couldn't fathom...
This is a small community,
and they just thought that
it was probably the weirdest thing
they had ever encountered.
[Trisha] I lost friends, I lost close friends,
neighbors who had hustled their kids away.
I've had two neighbors who moved out of the neighborhood
next door.
During one surgery,
where I had my eyebrows ground down,
I lost a lot of blood.
And late at night, I couldn't sleep,
and I'm all bandaged up.
I was surprised at how many nurses
at the hospital would have nothing to do with me
and would not answer my calls,
because, basically, it was like,
"Why on earth would a person
"elect to have these surgeries done?"
Um, and, uh...
There is one gay nurse,
who was the only person who came
to help me that night.
You enjoy!
[Sharon] I was wondering if you could first introduce yourself.
Um, my name is B. J. Sean
and I used to be your employer.
[laughing]
[Sean] There's a lot of conservative people here
politically, but, um...
I was brought up with the idea
of the golden rule and tolerance.
And I think, one of the things that Trish has provided is
an enlightenment about what her struggle has been.
You were going through the process of acceptance,
and my biggest struggle
was how to let you know I already knew,
when you were telling me she was your aunt...
[laughing]
And I was saying, "Gosh,
I wish you trusted me enough to tell me
what was really going on." because I cared,
and I'm the type of person... I don't care
who a person is as long as they are good.
[Sharon] I think for a lot of kids of LGBT parents,
you're just as much in the closet
until you start coming out about your parents.
I was on a mission to not tell anyone about my dad.
Every time I brought a boy home,
they would just kind of, show up,
and sometimes, Trish would surprise us in a dress,
and I wouldn't say anything,
and then we'd go out on our date,
and I just wouldn't talk about it.
When I went away to college,
I was able to start telling people
about my dad on my own terms,
instead of having everybody in town
already know and gossiping about me.
And that was really liberating.
By the time I met John,
I told him pretty much right away.
This is John Eves,
eating breakfast.
-Hello. -Where are we, right now?
We are in Maine,
outside of a campground
in Acadia National Park.
[John] This pointing up, is zooming in?
[Sharon] Uh-huh.
[John] Pointing down is zooming out.
Run up.
[Sharon] In 2012, we were hiking in Maine,
and we were at the top of a mountain,
and he knelt down in front of me with his backpack.
And he said, "Hey, I have a question."
This is where John asked me to marry him.
Just now.
See? That's happening.
[giggling]
Oh, God.
Oh, we're so excited for both of you!
I love you!
[Sharon] Thank you. Thank you, Mom!
Hi, sweetie.
Congratulations.
[hill-billy song playing]
[laughter]
[Trisha] Thank you, Mark. See you another time soon.
Make it sooner than later.
[Mark] Absolutely.
[Trisha] Bye, Sharon.
[Sharon] Bye, mom.
I guess this thing is on.
I'm a landscape architect.
I graduated with a degree in landscape architecture.
And...
One of the reasons why I ultimately chose to do that
was because I could plant trees.
I grow a lot of little trees
and then I put them on people's lawns.
Sometimes I ask them, sometimes I don't.
Here is one.
I'll put a little tag on it.
It's got the the type of tree.
This tree over here was planted from an acorn
about 18 years ago.
This spruce over here...
-[Sharon] You planted that? -That's one of my babies.
Sometimes I'll put on my reflective bright orange vest
and I'll grab the wheelbarrow.
Okay, do I look sufficiently forestry like?
I know a lot of what is filmed
is about transgender lifestyles
and me, I guess.
Kind of... I'm probably a poor representative
of a transgender individual.
They way I behave is kinda unpredictable.
So,
I kind of lead two separate lives
with my... The way that I present myself
in public.
I shift back and forth a lot
between masculine and feminine.
So psychologically,
I'm kind of, in a bind.
[Trisha] Taking on the persona of a woman
is a lot of work.
It's the slips, it's the make up,
it's the nylon, it's the shoes.
And heels hurt my feet.
I'm trying to speak a little higher,
and you know, try to pass yourself off
by doing kind of, this constrained,
um, vocal chord approach
where everything just goes higher,
and are you going to try to sing in a high voice, too,
and does this feel real?
Or am I being just as real as I can be.
Sometimes, people will say
you know, "What are you? A man, or are you a woman?
What are you?"
You ask yourself, "Well, aside from being born male,
what kind of woman
or what kind of a transwoman would I be?"
[Sharon] Are you good with you being you, too?
Uh, you know, what? In terms of my expression?
Part of me, you know, wants to express
more of my femininity
and wants to put my dresses and my outfits,
my skirts and my stuff on periodically.
But, um...
Also, my concern has to do, you know, with my spouse.
[Sharon] How do you feel seeing Trish wearing a dress?
I mean, does it make you question your identity?
[Marcia] Yeah, you do.
You're sort of, like, "Okay, I'm in this relationship,
"I'm attracted to men,
and my spouse is now looking very feminine,"
and it becomes really confusing, you know?
Then who am I?
What does that mean to me and to my femininity?
You just become disoriented.
You know, the attractions that you have
are pretty ingrained.
It's not like you can turn it on and off readily.
Sometimes, I wouldn't say there is a revulsion,
but it's just kind of, like,
"Well, I'm not necessarily that attracted to you
when you look really, really feminine."
[Trisha] I describe it as being on the fence,
and kinda, tip-toeing and doing the tight rope,
on the top of the fence,
and one side is male, and one side is female.
And which side you're going to go down on,
'cause it is really hard to straddle the fence.
[playing blues tune]
You ought to try some high notes.
[continues playing]
[Sharon] Nice.
Laura is doing her best to guide me into stores
and trying to help me
decide on what it is I'm going to wear at your wedding.
-[Sharon] Really? -Yeah.
And she is showing me all sorts of stuff,
and, I have a heck of a time
in stores.
[Sharon] What kind of stuff is she showing you? I'm curious.
Um, it runs the gamut.
Sooner or later, I have to make the decision
about what it is I'm gonna be wearing.
I'm going to leave it totally up to you,
because I don't want to, um, be a distraction.
I don't want to be a topic,
and it's whatever you want.
[Sharon] As much as I hated
the idea of my dad wearing a dress
to my wedding, when I was in middle school,
it doesn't bother me now.
I just want her to be happy
and I think that what she would really want to wear
is a dress.
Does it say what time the reception starts?
6:00.
Well, this is going to be a lot of flaps.
Mm-hmm.
Would you hold that?
We're only going to get these two right here.
This is just a test.
Yeah.
This is a test, this is a test.
From the Emergency Broadcasting Network.
[Marcia] Oh, honey...
[Sharon] She's very booksmart.
[Trisha laughing]
Ooh, that's a pretty low blow...
I think that was an insult.
[laughing] Ouch.
[Laura] They look very festive.
They do. Wow!
[Trisha] Not everything's gonna go as you plan,
beginning right on the day of your marriage.
There would be things that would arise
that you don't anticipate.
Some things could be extremely challenging
and will test the bond that you are forging
between yourselves.
[Sharon] For ten years or so, when dad was really full on
or very feminine,
I kind of felt like dad was pushing very hard for that,
and I felt like, maybe
you didn't have as much of a voice about it.
Um, yeah, I would say that that's probably the truth.
I would say that's probably true.
I mean, there was a time when,
I think your dad really considered, you know,
sex reassignment surgery, and all of that, and um...
I mean, there is a part of me that just said, "Well,
whatever you feel like you really need to do,
you need to do it."
I don't know that I can stay in a relationship
in that situation.
And there's a part of me that just felt really resentful
and just like, "How could you do this?"
You know, "How can you betray our marriage and our family?"
You know, it felt very much like that.
I was seriously considering leaving the situation, um...
But I don't know,
I just couldn't. I just couldn't leave.
We had some differences, we had our arguments,
we definitely had a lot of tears.
We went to various therapists,
which was unfortunately not very productive.
They just really didn't understand.
So, it's like, sort of, you're finding your own way.
And I think, we're still, sort of, are finding our way.
[Trisha] You have two cats meeting.
And you know that there's about to be a fight,
and they start circling one another.
And all of a sudden, they're at it with each other,
and fur is flying,
and one of them's gonna get hurt,
or they're both gonna get hurt.
Marcia had a lot of issues
with this trying to live full time.
Initially, I thought that
I'd probably just go the whole nine yards,
and have the sexual reassignment surgery,
but I started talking to Marcia,
and Marcia's going, "No!
No! I didn't marry a woman, I married a man."
[Marcia] I really tried very hard to be more empathetic.
See how would I feel?
What would it be like for me?
If I were the one transitioning, how would that be?
I've asked your dad that.
What would you think if I were the one who transitioned,
and you were the person
who was staying the same, how would that...
Would you be able to handle it?
That was kind of, an interesting question,
because not that I've ever got a straight answer,
like, "Would you stay with me
if I were transitioning to a male?"
And your dad said, "Well, probably not, you know?"
[Sharon] I don't know if I could do what my mom did.
And I've talked to other couples,
where one person is transitioning,
and the other one misses their spouse,
you know, like, misses their husband.
Even though the person is still there,
they don't have the man anymore.
[Trisha] What I should have done
is probably just gotten a divorce
and moved off on to my own somewhere.
[Sharon] I mean, the big question for me is why didn't you?
You could have moved away and been yourself
and not had to worry about us or mom.
[Trisha] If I was without her,
if I was like, cast out from this relationship,
I wouldn't want to survive.
I couldn't see myself living without her.
And then we're gonna put the mushrooms in here, too?
Mm-hmm.
-Do you think that's enough? -[Sharon] Yeah.
Wonder why all these chipmunks are running all over the place.
We got to put them.
So these are hot, we can't touch 'em.
[Trisha] Bad smell.
[Sharon] That's really hot corn.
This is like charcoal burnt.
-Yeah, it's like... -[Trisha] Horse manure.
No, no, we're done. We're done with this.
Come on, everybody. Let's go out to dinner.
I screwed up.
Well, we got potato salad and cous-cous.
I'm so sorry, honey.
[Sharon laughing]
[Sharon] With all these big issues
that we were dealing with as kids,
it's strange that we never
talked about pronouns as a family.
At the time,
my sister and I didn't really want to know
what Trish preferred,
because that would have meant
really coming to terms with her decision.
So, we didn't ask.
What's you feeling about the pronouns?
Well, I would really prefer, um...
You know, feminine pronouns,
to answer your question.
It's something that I've allowed the family
to coast on for many, many years,
waiting for everyone in the family, all of us,
to get to the point where you could relate to me as I am.
[Sharon] It took me a while to get used to saying "she"
when referring to my dad.
And it's difficult, because some members of my family
still use the wrong pronouns,
or they don't use pronouns at all.
[Laura] When I was living in Ann Arbor, it was
my first introduction to people who are transgender,
besides dad,
so that really put things in perspective a little more
to be able to relate
to somebody who was closer to my own age
and see their struggles and listen to them,
and for these friends who I've met,
I have no problem calling them by their preferred pronouns.
But it's just so different
when it's your own parent.
[Sharon] It's hard because I also ask dad point-blank,
"What would you prefer?"
and dad said, "I would prefer feminine pronouns."
I didn't really know that, actually...
-[Sharon] Really? -That there was a preference.
Would you just prefer me to go all the way
and say "Trish" and "she" and not "dad"?
Well, it's...
I told you girls years ago,
that "dad" was always okay.
"Dad" doesn't really bother me,
but I prefer feminine pronouns,
'cause then that gives me the opportunity
to get off the fence.
Up in the corner of this painting up here,
you know, there I am,
with all the stuff popping out of my head,
and one of the lenses of my eye glasses is...
[Sharon] Cracked or something?
[Trisha] You feel that there is one aspect of your being,
you know, your lens, that which you're perceiving
this environment through is just not quite right.
[Trisha] I am a spiritual person.
So, that's how I get closer to God.
I lose myself in the art work.
And I draw the analogy to giving birth.
I'll never have an opportunity to give birth.
But I am capable of giving birth to my artwork.
My artwork can stand on its own
and then move out into the world
and have its own existence.
I've always been impressed
with this artist's work.
He covers cracks with tar
in our neighborhood.
Inspiration abounds wherever we go.
[Trisha] I'm with my walking partner today.
-Hi. -[Trisha] Hi, honey.
Marcia is a trooper.
I mean, she knows...
She sees a slope like this and she goes,
"Yeah, this is a workout right here."
My guess is they are a little tart.
[Marcia] Yeah, maybe I can...
-Mmm, tart. -[Trisha] Tart.
That's what I thought.
[Sharon] When a person changes in a marriage,
how did you maintain your love and attraction for dad?
[Marcia] You just realize there's this connection,
and it's not always something you can definitely describe.
And it's all sorts of ways,
it's physical, it's emotional,
it's just spiritual attraction and connection.
It's this inner being
that is the attraction,
and it's, you know, it's just always there,
and there's nothing really that can break it
if it's there for you.
And it's just really comforting to know
that there is that person for you.
And that's your biggest champion, you know,
that's the person who, at least in our situation,
has always encouraged me to be the best I can be.
And ultimately, if you really love someone,
you have to let them be who they are.
Marcia, would you agree
that this is one of my favorite places
and your favorite places?
And sometimes, there's something
that comes out of nowhere and it's just so funny,
and I love that about our relationship.
It's so important to be able to laugh
at each other, at yourself.
[grunts]
[Marcia laughing]
Not everybody can do that.
[laughing]
[Marcia] I think there are certainly some negative things
that people, you know, shouldn't accept
in an individual.
I mean, I wouldn't accept violence,
or being diminished
in any way by another person.
I wouldn't consider that to be a good relationship.
I think, ultimately,
I'm stronger for this relationship
and I'm a better person for the relationship.
[Trisha] When I came out to her,
there seemed to be some acceptance of me
approaching her in a feminine way.
[Sharon] Still, you guys are still intimate?
-Yes. -[Sharon] That's awesome.
Okay, that's all I want to know about that.
[both laughing]
[All] Wow!
[Sharon laughing] Wow, mom!
That's beautiful.
You want me to hold that for you?
[laughing]
It goes well with your hair.
You know, and your complexion.
[all chattering]
The beading looks so superb.
It may look nice, very '30s.
It's got a lot more weight, you know, it's got that glass.
Plus some pearl.
Nice detail.
[all chattering]
Mmm.
Long time ago, I bought myself a book
on body language,
that gave all sorts of clues
about how people were really thinking,
when they said "yes".
When I pulled out a dress that I had purchased
for the wedding,
and I had shown my spouse,
and she asks, "When were you thinking of wearing that?"
And I said, "Well, I thought maybe, you know,
"the rehearsal dinner."
And I could see a cloud, you know,
pass over her face.
And her immediate response was,
"I don't wanna influence your decision."
She'll look splendid.
You know, sometimes a woman
just wants to dance with her husband.
It's an odd psychology, sweetheart,
it's always feeling this nagging need
to express your femininity.
You may try to fight it...
I know I try to fight it.
Boy, did I try to fight it.
For years, I suppressed my persona and, um...
You end up carrying
a lot of depression, a lot of sadness,
if you're trying to conceal
some aspect of your personality.
[all chattering]
It's after the ceremony...
It's gonna take some more dancing lessons.
[birds chirping]
[people chatting]
[priest] Well, good evening.
Thank you for coming
to share this joyous celebration
where we're about to join John and Sharon in marriage.
We're asking you to reflect once more
upon the importance
of the covenant you're about to make.
What you do here binds you together
for the whole of your lives.
May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements
a marriage should bring.
And may life grant you also, patience,
tolerance and understanding.
If you have quarrels that push you apart,
may both of you hope to have good sense enough
to take the first step back.
[Priest] So, by the authority
vested in me by the state of Michigan,
and the Probate Court,
I pronounce you husband and wife,
and I present to all of you, John and Sharon.
[all cheering]
[Sharon] I wanted you to wear
what you wanted to wear, you know.
I mean, it feels to me, like you made a sacrifice
at my wedding.
I kind of, feel like a bit sad.
Okay, well, let me tell you.
When I put on the tux,
and when Marcia and I were like this, side by side.
Uh, I felt good.
It was okay.
And when we were with you,
that moment, you know, in the wedding,
it was the happiest day of my life so far.
[Trisha] Test, test, test, test.
Folks, are you having a good time tonight?
[all cheering]
I want to tell you
that,
even though there's a lot of work to put on a good party,
there's even more work to put in on a good marriage.
And if your marriage is
really built on that foundation I spoke of,
and if you know how to communicate with each other,
and if you know how to
smile your way through your arguments,
you come back and try to work on your differences,
then you'll go far.
Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.
[all cheering]
[man] I would like to invite Sharon and her father
to the dance floor for a father-daughter dance.
[all clapping]
[dance music playing]
[Trisha] In my own life,
on any given day,
I have a very fluid concept
of what my gender presentation may be.
As I started meeting women who were mucking up barns,
working barefoot in their gardens,
getting dirty,
I decided there are all different kinds of women.
If I'm going mushroom hunting,
I can throw on some camo,
and I can slip in and out of a tire.
Really when it comes right down to it,
when you start letting go of preconceptions,
I feel like a lot of the weight is gone.
[whistling]
Oh, got it. Wet dog.
But I'm not saying I'm completely happy.
So, it's not like I have
resolved, um...
You know, my transgender being.
I haven't. I don't think I ever will.
So, I just kinda take it as it is.
Um, try to get by.
[Marcia laughing]
[Sharon] You want to go by the water?
[John] Yep.
[Sharon] When my parents got married,
I don't think that they ever imagined
how difficult it would be for them to stay together.
As a family, we're still working through things.
It's going to be an ongoing conversation.
And I think that that's okay.
So, I was just going to ask you one last thing.
Do you have any advice...
Like, what are the things that have helped you stay together?
[Marcia] Well, I think...
You know, maybe I was just really selfish.
I just, I couldn't see me
without Trish.
It's sort of, like, deciding between yourselves
that your life together is so important,
it's so valuable that you will do
pretty much anything to keep that.
And...
If you have that kind of commitment,
there is nothing that you can't get through.
[Trisha] Once you start putting down those years
with your mate,
and they start rolling by with the seasons,
and you make your ventures,
you go out into the world, and put the miles under you,
you develop a history.
And it's that history, that shared history,
and the shared memories
that end up stitching together our lives.
I feed the cats, I pull the weeds,
I fill the bird bath,
I take care of the little things.
She likes to cook, I like to cook.
I know that doesn't sound like much of a love story,
but all of these little things
amount to what love is.
[Sharon] All right, Dad, that's it.
Bye-bye, folks.
[instrumental music playing]